Today I was thinking about having a routine in my life. I don't follow a routine, I tried to have it several times before in my life; but dropped the idea after a few days.
I always have many excuses why I don't have a routine; but none of them satisfies me.
I love to have every day as new, as fresh. But always I'm failing to see the freshness in the days and I try to artificially manufacture freshness. And I feel that's the reason I don't stick to a routine.
I easily get bored with the same cold when I sleep, so I change my blanket to half covered to full-covered and vise-verse frequently. I don't here same kind of music, my play list is a mix an Avial format :)
I can't have my bed in same position for more than 2-3 weeks, I have to change it. I can't read same kind of book one after another, I don't like to have same food. I don't even wake up or sleep at same time.
I'm an insomniac. I'm kind of a night-being :). You can see me in front of laptop or my books till 3-4 AM in the morning. Sleeping for 3-4 hours doesn't bother my work or life. But my life bothers my sleep.
Before I slept a lot just to get away from those that bothered me. I took off days just to sleep. I have slept for days, When in sleep I was safe, I never had to cry, I didn't have to get tensed or sad for those dark deeds I did.
I was and I'm afraid to sleep in night, I try to keep awake till its dark, I feared those hours when the darkness is born and is slowly taking over everything. It was in one of those hours of spreading darkness, when everyone's eyes are closed by sleep, something bad happened to me. Since then I feared those hours.. I hate to be lonely till its completely dark.
Darkness was another half of me. Since that night, my only companion till sun came; was darkness.
Somewhere I read that people love to open up to darkness is because nothing is there to see my tears, But in my case darkness was there to take-care of me when I cried.
I trusted darkness; I never saw it having my heart a little bit a time in exchange of its care.
It was too late when i realized it. By that time unspeakable has happened.
After that realization I took what I had left of my heart and ran, ran as fast as I could. I saw a shelter on my way, I was so tired and took rest in that.
The shelter was of guilt. At the moment when I set my foot there, Guilt took me, fixed my heart; made it into the original shape and filled it with guilt.
Having my heart fixed I took off. My heart was weighing a lot, I never the guilt have a multiplying feature. It went on multiplying.
I then went on searching for forgiveness from the almighty..
Went to temples after temples, looking for the light to light up my heart. Rested on the feet of God where I got peace of mind. None of those temples gave me peace forever; what I had was temporary.
Even now I search for that peaceful light to fill my heart with these words on my lips "Oh God, help those souls I wounded"
Waiting for that light to cleanse me.