Forgiveness is not enough

I was and am filled with guilt for the past year.All my heart asked was forgiveness, In thought it will the light up my heart and make it light. But now I feel like forgiveness is not which I was looking for.

I took up every occasion to be in pain just to realize that I was not worthy to be in the luxury of well-being.

Now I am confused, during all of these days what I thought is that forgiveness is what I need, but if its not that; then what? What was I looking for?

My be as my friend suggested I need forgiveness from myself, and I'm pretty sure that I wont forgive myself.

But my mind keeps pushing me forward to find something that gives me peace.